Your little children are so sweet you feel that you could almost “eatâ€

Two ladies have a nice chat.

One lady says: My husband is an angel
Other replies: My husband is still alive.

Could use: kids, wife, boss, and all time favourite mother in law too.

Two ladies do washing on rocky bank of the river, and one says: I think I am pregnant

With whom asks the other.

I don’t know, I haven’t got the time to turn around.

Mum kids at school say that I've got big head – complains little son to his mum.

Nonsense says mum, better go to shop and buy 10 kilograms of potatoes, will you.

OK mum, but they don't give plastic bags any more – replies little son.

Use your hat - suggests mum.

On hot steamy day, peasant pulls chain along the road.

Tourist asks: Hi there, why are you pulling the chain?

Annoyed peasant answers: What, do you want me to push it?

Bumped into them on another site:

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

This one is borrowed too.
When I heard the joke first time it was “bus driverâ€

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound
asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in
Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,
it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will
have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you,
Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
you dumb-o. Someone has stolen tent."

This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little
girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the
goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less... adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay
envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received
to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When They got to the
bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little
girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction
crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied... "I will if those useless b------- at Bunnings ever
bring us the f------ gyprock"

with a few elections looming, here's a topical one:-


.
.
.
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A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation
about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man
decided to test the robot.

He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another
drink.

Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football,
baseball, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

The man went out and came back in a third time.

As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "50."

The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for (insert your own bete noire type politician) again?"

I am not sure if these are strictly within the rules, but I don't think they could offend anyone.


A vicar's son was asked to entertain the visiting bishop while his parents prepared the lunch. The boy asked him, "Can you tell me how you become a bishop?" The bishop replied, "Well, first you have to go to church every Sunday, then be top pupil in Sunday school and later be best student at theological college. Then you get ordained and when you are the best vicar in the diocese you become a bishop".

"Oh I see" said the boy, "because I heard my dad say to my mum this morning he wondered how on earth you became a bishop".



A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West." "What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."



The vicar had recently taken up sailing, which he enjoyed, but at which he was not too skilful. The headmistress of the girls' school approached him, and asked him to address the senior girls on the topic of Christianity and s*x. The vicar consented, but told his wife that he was to speak to the girls about sailing.

The following week, the headmistress met the vicar's wife, and enthused about the success of the vicar's talk.

The vicar's wife raised her eyebrows, and said coldly, 'Well, I'm surprised. He doesn't really know anything about it, having taken it up only recently--why, the first time he did it, he was sick; and the second time, his hat blew off'.




Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother. When she showed up with some groceries, he said "Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were......." and his Mother said, "Stop right there, Johnny. Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, then tell me the story." At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again. "Mommy, When I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer."




Cheers

LJ

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, “That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,â€